In the Absence of His Dear Lilyflower
by outwittingsquirrels
Summary: Sequel to 'I Hate the Stars'. Remus finds Sirius in the Astronomy Tower again, they talk about something Remus saw in the bathroom earlier that day. Sort of one-sided SiriusJames.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **did you ever notice that there's not even so much as a mention of sex in the HP books? See if I'd written them that wouldn't be the case.

'Thought I'd find you up here,' I said once I'd found Sirius alone at the top of the Astronomy Tower, in the same position I'd found him three weeks ago.

'You were looking for me?' he asked. He seemed surprised that I should want to find him at all. That anyone might want to find him.

'Yeah…I- listen Pads, I know what you said last Saturday but…is there something going on between you and James?'

Images of Sirius kneeling in front of James, James's pants round his ankles, in the bathroom on the third floor came back to me. I grimaced unconsciously.

Sirius dragged his gaze away from the stars - he seemed to enjoy looking at them even as he claimed to hate them - and stared at me with a thunderstruck expression.

'Wh- what did you…' he trailed off, unable to complete the question.

'I saw you and him…in the third floor bathrooms today at lunch…is it-'

'It means nothing…it was nothing. Nothing.' Sirius looked as if he was attempting to persuade himself of that.

I regarded him for a moment before pulling a pack of cigarettes out of my jacket and offering him one. He slipped one out and I took my place beside him on the floor.

'Can I've a light? Forgot my wand,' Sirius mumbled.

I nodded and pulled my wand out, lighting first his and then my own cigarette. I took a long drag of it. 'Filch nearly caught me on the way up,' I informed him. 'I swear, I'm going to kill that cat, I was under the invisibility cloak and all and she still followed me halfway up the steps. We better be careful.'

Sirius shrugged. 'What's another detention?'

I smirked at the comment against my better judgement. 'Maybe for you. What's the count at now?'

'A hundred and eighty-nine,' he smiled slightly.

'Impressive. All that free time gone to waste. Think of all the study you could've done,' I said sarcastically, knowing full well that all those hours would never have been spent studying. 'All the girls you could've chatted up.'

'With no intention of ever bedding them,' Sirius added. 'Typical.'

'What's typical?'

'You know that saying, careful what you wish for…'

'You might actually get it,' I finished.

'I got it,' Sirius said bitterly, blowing out a large cloud of smoke.

'What's 'it'?'

He hesitated for a moment. 'I wanted to have sex with James.'

'You shagged James?'

Sirius shifted a little uncomfortably. 'He shagged me would be more accurate I think…'

'So…what's wrong?'

'It's…I love him Moony, I know I shouldn't. It's fucked up. But he just thinks I want sex. That's all he wants. In the absence of his dear Lilyflower, he needs someone to fuck and give him blow jobs…and I'll do it for him. That's what's worse. I hate what we're doing but I don't want it to stop.'

I just nodded, pretty much at a loss for words. I took another drag on the cigarette.

'God, I'm perverted. Aren't I Moony?' he whispered, horrified at hearing his situation out loud.

'What?' I said sharply, but I couldn't help my voice from wavering. 'You're not Sirius. Pads, you're not.'

'Thanks Moony…'

There was a moment of silence as we both looked up towards the sky.

'I only wish there wasn't a shake in your voice when you told me that,' he said in the quietest of tones.

_AN: there it is, there'll be two more chapters in this fic, then another fic after that. I hope you'll like it, reviews are love :D_


	2. Chapter 2

'I don't suppose it's butterbeer in that bottle?' I asked, surveying Sirius huddled in what was almost becoming _his _corner of the Astronomy Tower.

'Ogden's finest,' he gave me a little, heartbreaking smile.

'Now you're seventeen I can't give out to you anymore.'

'If you tried, I'd point out to you that the fags you're about to offer to me are worse,' Sirius replied, his hint hardly subtle.

I smiled and reached into my pocket for my cigarettes, sitting down beside him. 'So what's up?'

'James broke it off.'

'The…?' I didn't even have to finish the sentence. 'Did he say why?'

'Said now that we're seventh years we should be more 'mature'. He actually said that,' Sirius said with some disgust. 'And he said it's wrecking our friendship. I know why he really did it though.'

'Lily?' I asked.

Sirius nodded bitterly. 'Scared that if he doesn't get her this year he never will.'

'You never told him though…'

'That I love him? That'd go down well,' he snorted. He took a generous swig of his Firewhiskey and followed it with a pull on the cigarette.

'Can I've a bit of that?' I gestured towards the bottle. Sirius nodded and handed it to me. I drank deeply from it, grimacing as it hit the back of my throat. I gave him back the Firewhiskey, a little reluctantly.

'So, any girls Moony?'

I looked at the sky, noting the almost full moon and shivering. 'Nope…'

Sirius followed my gaze and nodded to himself as he saw the moon. 'No, suppose not.'

'Strange, isn't it?' I said absent-mindedly.

He looked at me questioningly.

'We're out here staring at representations of the very things we hate most…'

Sirius smiled humourlessly. 'The moon and stars…most people love them you know…'

'We're not most people obviously,' I pointed out. 'You never told me why you left your family.'

Sirius didn't answer for a while, I thought he was angry until I looked at him and saw he was merely thinking. He took another drag on his cigarette before answering,' Regulus walked in on me giving a seventh year a blow-job. I made him promise not to tell anyone but after we had a fight during the summer, he told my parents. They uh…didn't react too well…'

'Can't imagine they would…' I couldn't imagine what my parents would say if they found out _I _was gay. I was finding it hard to imagine Sirius's reaction too. I wasn't planning on telling him anytime soon.

'Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Can't believe you haven't seen my flat yet by the way. It's great,' Sirius said with sudden enthusiasm.

I sensed he really didn't want to talk about James. I was happy enough to respect that; I didn't want to think about what James had done to Sirius for every time I did I felt a certain rush of protectiveness and…jealousy that I should definitely _not _be feeling.

'I'll have to wait 'til summer though.'

'Ah that's _ages_ away, we can sneak off before then,' he told me confidently.

'Maybe…'

'Definitely.'

_AN: there, one more chapter and then it'll go into a new fic. Please review :D _

_And go to youtube and look up 'The Great Defector' by Bell X1 because it has the best lyrics ever; 'you're the chocolate at the end of my cornetto'_


	3. Chapter 3

'This is getting to be a habit Pads,' I said quietly, disturbing his stargazing.

He looked up at me and shrugged. 'Helps me think…you don't have the invisibility cloak with you?'

I shook my head. 'I thought you had it…James is probably gone down to the kitchens with it.'

I crossed to the low wall separating me from a, doubtless fatal, fall and looked out over the grounds. The Forest, hiding beasts maybe worse than werewolves, the Quidditch pitch, I could see some of the lake, silvery in the moonlight, and the Whomping Willow - immobile now, as if trying to lure a fool within reach of its branches. I shivered in the cold of December.

'Hardly,' Sirius said in response.

I nodded and didn't turn around. We both knew where James was with the invisibility cloak.

'Lily Evans,' he spat sourly. 'I still can't believe she said yes to him.'

'It was only a matter of time. No one could last in the face of that kind of persistence.'

'Love,' Sirius corrected me.

'Same difference in this case

'Suppose…'

We shared a few minutes of silence, my back turned to him. 'Pads?'

Sirius didn't reply. I frowned and turned around, to see him crying silently, his shoulders shook violently as the sobs wracked through his body.

'Pads! What is it?' I said, dashing over to him, kneeling down and wrapping my arms around him comfortingly. He didn't answer for a while, he just let himself cry freely and I rocked back and forth gently with him in my arms, trying to sooth him.

'I just-…I must be…impossible to love or something,' he said eventually, his voice thick with tears.

'What?' I asked sharply.

'My family all hate me, and they didn't say anything but I know the Potters were glad to see the back of me. And Prongs doesn't love me either. He chose Evans over me. No one's ever loved me Moony. No one,' he said, beginning to cry again.

'What? That's rubbish Pads. The Potters love you almost as much as James, and he loves you too. You're his best friend, he'd be lost without you. Peter too. As well as half the female population of the school. And I love you too, you're one of the best friends I've ever had. You barely even blinked when you found out I was a werewolf Pads. Of course people love you. Don't you dare say you're not loved,' I said fiercely.

'You love me?' Sirius asked me in a small voice, looking up at me hopefully with tears still in his eyes.

_You've no idea Pads…_

I nodded, pushing that voice in my head down. 'Of course.'

Sirius gave me a watery smile and wiped his eyes. 'Sorry…' he said gruffly. 'I was just-'

'It's fine.'

'…thanks Moony.'

'Any time.' I gave him a momentary squeeze and then stood up, forcing a smile. _How on earth did Sirius manage still to look good when he was bawling his eyes out? _I blinked and went back to looking at the grounds, pushing those thoughts away.

'You're staying here for Christmas, right?'

'Um yeah,' I answered, distracted by a couple walking out across the Quidditch Pitch. _Was it James and Lily?_

'We should have a party or something in the common room, for our last Christmas at Hogwarts.'

I spun around suddenly. '_Last Christmas_? Shit, I completely forgot this'd be our last here…yeah we should do something for it…'

'I'll…talk to Prongs about it…'

'Sure-'

'Who's here?' the dulcet tones - ha - of Argus Filch wafted up to us.

'_Shit_.'

'Dammit, no cloak,' I added to Sirius's whispered oath.

'Fuck.'

'Such eloquence,' I commented before Filch made it up the steps to find the two of us on top of the Astronomy Tower at half past one in the morning.

'Well well well, what do we have here?' he said in what he must have deemed a dramatic tone of voice.

_AN: right, there's the ending. The next bit will be in a separate fic, I'm not sure what I'll call it yet but you can find it on my profile. Please review :D_

_And if you haven't looked up 'The Great Defector' yet then do it! Now! :D_


	4. Chapter 4

'You're not at your own party?' I asked.

Sirius jumped and looked around. 'It's not _my _party. Just a Christmas party.'

'One that you organised almost single-handedly,' I pointed out. 'Merlin, it's freezing out here.'

'Yeah, it's December,' he replied, looking out over the snow-covered grounds. I went over to join him.

'Why'd you leave?'

'Why d'you think?'

It was pretty clear. James and Lily had spent the entire party together; feeding each other chocolate, kissing quietly in the corner, flirting shamelessly, all with little or no regard to how Sirius might take it. Well, not that Lily would know about that. But James in all fairness, should've been a little more considerate. They were best friends after all.

'He doesn't realise what he's doing,' I said half-heartedly, though I felt like punching James repeatedly for making Sirius feel as horrible as he must be feeling now.

'He knows exactly what he's doing,' Sirius said harshly. 'He's not an idiot.'

'That's debateable.'

He smiled slightly and I felt glad to have elicited a smile from him, no matter how small. We stared out over the grounds in silence for a while. I tried to keep my mind off how close we were standing. If I just reached out my hand a little…_no._ _Shouldn't be even thinking that._

'If you could have one thing you wanted, any thing at all for Christmas Moony,' Sirius said softly. 'What would it be?'

_You. _I couldn't stop myself from thinking it.

'Dunno. Be nice if the moon just disappeared or something…I presume we're allowed to go for impossibilities here?'

I wanted Sirius more than I wanted that though. The thought shocked me.

'Terrible, isn't it? How we can't just want something we can actually have?' Sirius said sadly.

'Human nature,' I shrugged.

'I hate human nature,' Sirius said savagely, his voice very quiet.

'It's why James fell for Lily, she was the only girl he liked who wouldn't go out with him.'

'Unlike me, following him like some abandoned puppy. He said jump…'

_You said 'how high?'_ I completed in my head.

'Pitiful,' he said disgustedly.

'Pads…' I said but then paused, uncertain of what I'd meant to say. Sirius turned to look at me.

'What is it?' he asked quietly.

We were far too close now, face to face. I found myself closing the distance between my lips and his, pressing against him in a soft kiss. I pulled away quickly and stared into his shocked grey eyes.

'You,' I whispered.

'Wh- what?'

'If I could have anything for Christmas…' I murmured, looking away then.

He didn't reply for a moment. 'Moony…I can't, I mean…I'm sorry…I just don't feel the same way, I couldn't use you like that. I couldn't.'

'Of course. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I know how you feel about James…'

I could feel his concerned gaze on me and I forced a smile. 'Sorry…'

'D'you…d'you want me to go?' he asked tentatively.

'If…you don't mind…' I swallowed hard, my gaze on the Forbidden Forest as I heard him leave.

_Well at least he wasn't angry about it._

Yeah, great consolation…

_AN: as you can see, I just decided to shove it all into the same fic, it's easier that way. These next three chapters will be more puppy-orientated though ;)_

_Please prove how wonderful you are by reviewing :D go on, just press the little button there and type out a few words, it won't bite you :)_


	5. Chapter 5

I sat in a dark corner of the Astronomy Tower, my head tilted towards the stars though I wasn't really seeing them properly. My head was reeling, it had been since Remus had kissed me here four nights ago. I couldn't make sense of it. It had preoccupied me completely, I still wasn't sure what exactly I thought of it. Or of him.

'Hey Padfoot,' a familiar, if not entirely welcome voice, came from the steps.

'Well Prongs,' I mumbled back. I wasn't in the mood to fake laughter and struggle through endless conversations about Evans tonight.

'How's it going? Moony's worried about you. So am I actually, for that matter…'

I looked up at him with some surprise. 'I'm fine. Just a bit…distracted.'

'Moony thinks you're avoiding him,' James said, sitting down beside me. The little alcove was awkwardly small for two teenage boys but I found I was, for the first time in about a year, comfortable being in such close proximity to James.

'What? I'm not avoiding him,' I said quickly. I suppose I was, but it wasn't a conscious decision I took to avoid Remus. I was just extremely confused and seeing him made it worse.

'And listen mate, he told me…that he kissed you and you didn't, you know…kiss him back or whatever. Padfoot, you're my best mate and I get it if you're not into Moony, but he's my friend too. And your's, ok, don't hurt him.'

I snapped. I felt as though he'd punched me in the gut. I jumped up from where I was sitting and glared down at him. 'Don't you dare-…you've no idea-…James, you're an absolute bastard,' I choked out.

I turned to leave, shaking uncontrollably, but James had stood up too and caught my arm. 'What're you on about Sirius?' he demanded angrily. 'What the fuck did I do?'

'You're the biggest fucking hypocrite I ever had the misfortune to meet,' I spat, trying to pull out of his grip.

'What? I told you not to hurt Moony, how the fuck is that hypocritical?' Though I could see uncertainty in his eyes as we stared each other down.

'Think back you idiot!' I raged at him. 'D'you remember a friend of yours trying to kiss you? D'you remember what your initial reaction was? D'you remember stringing him along for eight fucking months while lusting after Evans? D'you remember any of that?'

'Boys, I think you should take this elsewhere,' a mild woman's voice said once I'd finished my tirade.

The two of us spun around in unison to see the Astronomy teacher at the head of a class of wide-eyed first years. I coughed embarrassedly. 'I was just going.'

I shot James a look of utmost contempt before storming down the spiral staircase.

_______________

'Can you believe him Wormtail?' I fumed ten minutes later to a bewildered Peter, the only Marauder left who I could talk to without feeling the need to punch his head off or snog him senseless.

'Well I probably wouldn't, only I don't have a clue what you're on about,' he replied, scowling down at his Transfiguration homework.

'Well you see-'

Peter held one hand up, his gaze still on his book. 'I didn't say that I wanted to know either. I'll just nod and be a supportive friend as you rant and rave about unknown events, right?'

I smiled,' right. I really hate him at this stage, I used to love him Wormtail, can you believe that? But no, I can't stand him now. Especially since he started going out with _her._ And then he tells me that Remus thinks I'm avoiding him which isn't true at all. Well I suppose it's sort of true, but it's just 'cause I'm incredibly confused after Saturday night!'

'And how do you feel about that?' Peter said in a deliberately patronising voice, scribbling away at an essay at the same time.

'Well, I'm obviously pissed off over it, but not at Remus. Just at the fact that I'm confused. I don't want to be confused,' I whined. 'I mean, at least when I was infatuated with James, I knew how I felt.'

'And how do you feel about that?'

'I just told you that I don't know!' I said exasperatedly.

'And how do you feel about that?' Peter asked mechanically.

I threw a cushion at him. 'Unhelpful little…'

He smirked. 'Prongs is coming.'

'What? How d'you know that?'

'I've the map here,' he said gesturing towards the little table beside his armchair.

'Oh.'

Sure enough, the portrait hole opened several seconds later and James entered, glowering over at me. Then he averted his gaze and strode across the otherwise empty common room up to the dormitory.

'I hate him,' I muttered.

_AN: two more chapters to go, please review. It will get happier next chapter :)_


	6. Chapter 6

'Moony! I found you!' I panted happily, having ran up the steps to the top of the Astronomy Tower. Remus was standing hunched in the rain with his back to me, his hands stuffed in his pockets, the smoke from his cigarette twisting and curling above his head.

He turned around, a startled expression on his face when he heard me. It was the first time I'd talked to him properly in the three weeks since he'd kissed me. His hair was plastered to his face with the rain. I ran out to him, disregarding the downpour.

'Remus, I've decided something,' I told him emphatically.

'What is it?' he asked warily, taking his cigarette out of his mouth and shielding it from the wet.

'I'm going to stop crying over James,' I said. 'He's in love with Evans, fuck him.'

'Why are you telling me this?' he said dully.

'Cause you always listen to me, Moony,' I said earnestly before grabbing his face with both hands and dragging him into a clumsy kiss. It was short and messy and awkward but it was the best kiss of my life. When James and I had been…together for lack of a better word, we'd never kissed, he always drew the line there. This was fantastic.

We pulled apart and I stared unabashedly into Remus's dazed amber eyes. 'I'm not sure yet if I love you like I probably should. But I really like you Moony. And I don't want something like I had with James. I want something proper. A proper…relationship.'

'Sirius…' he murmured, trailing off with uncertainty.

'Yes?' I said softly.

'I- I love you…'

I kissed him fiercely. 'D'you realise…you're the only person who's ever said that to me?'

'Ever?' Remus repeated and the concern and tenderness that flooded his eyes were nearly enough to make me fall for him completely. I hugged him close.

'Thank you,' I whispered. He just squeezed me tighter in response.

Eventually we broke apart, shuffling sort of embarrassedly. Uncertain what to do or say now that we each knew our feelings were returned. Remus dropped his cigarette into the puddle of water at his feet and looked up into the sky, blinking away the raindrops that fell into his eyes.

'Are you-…what about James?' he asked.

'What about him?'

'Are you talking to him or whatever? Or are ye still fighting?'

'Well he hasn't apologised to me yet so…'

'He's your best friend Pads,' Remus said, his gaze shifting from the clouds to me.

'I-…let's go inside, will we? I'm getting soaked.'

Remus surveyed me for a moment, his expression unreadable, before nodding and following me inside and down the steps of the Astronomy Tower. At the end of the steps, we heard voices.

'Shit,' I breathed.

'D'you have the invisibility cloak?'

'Nope, forgot it,' I replied quietly. I looked around rapidly for somewhere to hide, hearing the footsteps growing louder as they neared us.

'Come on,' Remus whispered, dragging me into a broom cupboard just behind him. Pressed against each other in the warm darkness, we listened in silence.

'My dear Minerva, I know you don't believe it necessary but-'

'Dumbledore,' I hissed to Remus. I couldn't see his face but I felt his body tense against mine.

'It's not that I don't want to fight these- these monsters Albus, but surely we can't go against the Ministry-'

'We won't be going against the Ministry,' Dumbledore replied. 'We'll be going against Riddle.'

'Acting as vigilantes,' McGonagall retorted.

'I can't stand by and let this happen Minerva, I did that once before-'

I could hear Remus's laboured breath and my own pulsing heartbeat and wondered how on earth Dumbledore and McGonagall couldn't. Slowly, steadily, their voices began to fade away and I became acutely aware of just how close Remus and I were in this broom cupboard.

'What d'you reckon they were talking about?' he whispered.

'I don't really care.' I pressed closer to him and kissed him deeply.

'Mm you know what?' Remus said once we'd broken apart. 'Neither do I…'

_AN: ok, I think I kind of made a hames of this chapter, I prefer some of the others. Anywho please review, I'm not sure what to write for the next (and final) chapter, should I write Sirius talking to Lily or James or Sirius and Remus talking on their last night at Hogwarts? Please tell me in a review, I'm not really sure._


	7. Chapter 7

'Black?' a soft, female voice drifted up the steps to where I was sat in the Astronomy Tower.

'Evans,' I replied, unable to keep a slightly sullen edge from my voice. It'd been six weeks since I'd last talked to James - in this very spot actually. He'd spent most of his time with Evans while Remus mostly stayed with me. Peter floated uncertainly between James and me.

'You shouldn't be up here,' Evans said, hovering above me doubtfully.

I shrugged nonchalantly. As Head Girl, she'd be in far more trouble than me if found on top of the Astronomy Tower past midnight. She appeared to come to the same conclusion but seemed determined to stay here.

'What d'you want, Evans?'

'James is upset you're not talking to him…'

'He should've thought of that then before he-…' I stopped abruptly. Evans didn't need - and probably didn't want - to know what had sparked our argument.

'He did tell me why ye're not talking by the way,' she informed me.

I groaned inwardly. I could practically hear her admonishments already - _'you're being totally unreasonable about this, the pair of you' _- but her next words interrupted my thoughts.

'And I'm sorry.'

I blinked. '_What_?'

'You heard me,' she said, becoming slightly irritated.

'What d'you mean you're sorry?' I demanded, staring up at her intently. 'For what?'

She seemed taken aback. 'I'm-…for making James break up with you and that…'

I smiled humourlessly. 'Sorry to break it to you dear, but you didn't have that much to do with it.'

'But-…' she trailed off before she'd even begun.

'James would've broke it off anyway no matter what. And even if he hadn't, I probably would've eventually.'

'I thought…'

'What?'

'The way James put it…he said when ye fought up here a few weeks back…that you said it'd meant more to you than to him- sorry, it's none of my business,' she added hastily at the expression on my face.

An exceedingly awkward silence proceeded to invade the Astronomy Tower. Finally, Evans couldn't stand the quiet any longer.

'Why would you have broken up with him?'

'_Cause he didn't love me…_

Yeah, like I'd tell her that.

'Listen it really isn't any of your business Evans,' I said impatiently. 'I just want to be left alone.'

'Well I don't think I should leave you up here on your own,' she said decisively.

I looked at her in disbelief. 'I'm not bloody suicidal if that's what you think.'

She simply '_hmphed_' and sat down beside me with a finality I dared not question. The girl could be a little intimidating at times. But I wasn't suicidal by any means. After all, I had Remus…my thoughts drifted away from the Astronomy Tower as I remembered the last moments I'd spent with my boyfriend - I still got a thrill every time I even _thought _that word.

'Black! Black, are you even listening to me?' Evans shook my arm.

I shook my head slightly. 'Nope, didn't listen to a word, darling.'

'Don't call me darling,' she said stiffly.

'Whatever you say Evans.' I shrugged and reached into my robes for a packet of cigarettes.

Her nose wrinkled in disgust as I slid one out and lit it with my wand. 'You smoke. Disgusting habit.'

'If I'm going to have to put up with your nagging I'll need nicotine,' I told her, though not meanly.

'How does Remus stand you smoking?' she asked.

I smirked. 'Moony smokes like a chimney, Evans.'

'What? No he doesn't,' she denied immediately.

'I think I know a little more about him than you do,' I said coolly.

She still looked doubtful but eventually nodded. 'I heard Remus is in the hospital wing,' she said quietly.

I nodded. She'd got one thing right anyway. 'Purebloods aren't…the most open-minded of people…'

Remus had been badly cursed the previous day by Avery and the two Lestrange brothers - I had a suspicion that my own brother was involved too - and had to go to the hospital wing. By rights I should have been with him but he'd ordered me to go and get some sleep. Before Evans had showed up, I'd been busy plotting various forms of revenge for the three - maybe four - Slytherins.

'You're a pureblood,' Evans pointed out. 'As is James.'

I closed my eyes briefly. Considering she'd known she was a witch for nearly seven years now, Evans could be unbelievably naïve at times.

'We're…not representative of the majority,' I said shortly.

'Surely not all purebloods are bad-'

'Not all of 'em, sure. Just…a lot.'

Evans nodded slightly and I blew out a large cloud of smoke.

'Why don't you ever talk to your brother?' she asked hesitantly.

I frowned, took another drag on my cigarette. 'I-…don't have a brother.'

Except James…who wasn't talking to me. Who I wasn't talking to.

'Yes you do, Regulus Black in sixth year,' Lily insisted.

'He's not my brother.'

For all intents and purposes that was true. After all, that's what Regulus had told me himself.

'What do you mean, he's not your brother?'

'I mean I haven't spoken to him in a year and a half.'

'What? Why not?'

I shrugged. 'We hate each other I suppose…'

'You hate your own brother?'

'…nah, not really. He hates me though.' I tapped the end of my cigarette, smirking slightly at the disgusted expression on Evans's face.

'But he's your brother-'

'No he's not Evans, I've already told you that,' I interrupted her impatiently. 'I was disowned in the summer before sixth year 'cause I'm gay. Merlin, you're so fucking nosy.'

Evans bristled. 'I am not _nosy_. I'm simply inquisitive.'

I nodded, smiling a little at the fact that she practically ignored everything but the insult. 'Sure…'

She rolled her eyes at me but I could see a smile forming reluctantly. 'So…you were disowned?'

Well maybe she hadn't ignored everything then. 'Yep, my so-called brother walked in on me giving this seventh year Hufflepuff a blow job and told my mother,' I said bitterly.

'Was he cute?'

'The Hufflepuff?' I asked, a grin forming on my face. 'Remember Amos Diggory?'

'Really? He's gay?'

'I think so, it kinda seemed like he'd never come out though, you know, get a wife, have kids and visit male prostitutes at all opportunities…or maybe he just wanted to get off,' I shrugged. 'It didn't mean anything really.'

Evans looked mildly impressed. 'Diggory's gorgeous.'

'Bit of an idiot though.'

'You mean obnoxious bastard.'

I grinned. 'That too.'

'Heard he got married recently actually.'

I sort of half-laughed. 'Who is she?'

'Don't know to be honest…you know, you're not too bad Black.' Lily looked at me thoughtfully.

'I'm surprised it took you this long to figure it out Evans. They told me you were intelligent…'

'That was actually a cue for you to return the compliment.'

I aimed for a look of genuine surprise, well aware that it'd never convince her. 'Me? Compliment someone? Compliment you? I don't know what planet you've been living on for the last six and a half years Evans.'

'Sometimes I don't either,' she grumbled. 'Anyway, back to the subject I came up here to discuss.'

'Which is?' I prompted.

'James.'

I groaned. 'Evans-'

'Black. He's your best friend,' Evans cut me off matter-of-factly.

'He's a hypocritical bastard.'

'Be that as it may, he is also lost without you. As are you without him,' she told me.

I mumbled something incoherent, even I wasn't sure what it was meant to be.

'See, you've not got a proper argument at all. It's just the two of you being stubborn.'

'Yes, aren't we wonderful at it?'

'No!'

'I'm hurt Evans,' I informed her dramatically.

'My heart bleeds for you,' she replied dryly.

'As it should.'

Suddenly, a thought came to me. I stood up abruptly, dropped the butt of my cigarette to the ground and crushed it under my heel.

Evans looked up at me in surprise. 'Where are you going?'

'Remus,' I replied happily.

'But it's half twelve,' Evans said, confused. 'The hospital wing isn't open, Madam Pomfrey won't let you in.'

I shrugged. 'So?'

Leaving behind a bewildered Lily Evans shouting at me to come back and talk about James like the mature adult I wasn't, I bounded down the steps to visit the boy I was steadily falling for. All the while busy plotting various strange and unusual revenges on the bastards who'd put him in the hospital wing in the first place.

_AN: hmm…not sure about that ending…Anywho, please tell me what you thought of it. And tell me if I should do another chapter to finish this off or leave it at that. I think maybe one more chapter and I'm considering a one-chaptered sequel set years later, what do you think? Just press that little button down there *points* to tell me _


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: sorry, I didn't make it clear in the last chapter that Remus was cursed by Avery, the Lestranges and Regulus because Sirius and Remus came out as a couple - sorry!_

It was kind of stupid how much time I was spending lately on top of the Astronomy Tower. My only excuse really was that I needed somewhere quiet to think. Truth be told, I'd never thought much about anything in particular in my life - at least not anything that required the dead silence found in the Astronomy Tower at one o'clock in the morning - and now was no different. I was hardly thinking at all.

I suppose it was because I wanted to be alone. Though that was pretty unusual for me as well. Really, I wanted somewhere I could stare at nothing and think as little as possible with no one asking what I was doing, and if I was ok.

'Sirius?'

That unfortunately became impossible when I was interrupted. An occurrence which was becoming more and more frequent lately.

'Potter,' I said curtly.

'What are you doing up here?' he asked, regarding me sitting on the floor with a strange, unrecognisable mixture of emotions on his face.

'Nothing.'

It was pretty much the truth, certainly easier than explaining _why_ I was there. It wasn't as if I owed him the truth anymore anyway.

'And er…why are you up here?'

I looked up at him coldly for a moment. He would ask that, wouldn't he? Of course he would, he was James. That's just what he did - ask the questions you don't particularly want to answer. I shrugged, deflecting the query.

James just nodded a little and leant back against the wall opposite me. 'So…you and Moony, eh?'

'Yep.'

'Fair enough…'

There was a long uncomfortable silence. I attempted to ignore James, looking the other way and humming a Pink Floyd song. Naturally, I failed.

'Why'd you come up here then?' I asked suddenly.

He hesitated. 'Moony hunted me up, said you'd be here…he wants me to talk to you…'

'Yeah, Evans tried to persuade me to talk to you…'

'_Girlfriends_,' James shook his head at the same time that I'd muttered,' _boyfriends_,' under my breath.

James snorted and I suppressed a grin, awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

'I heard what you did to Avery and your brother…' James said, by way of changing the subject.

Ah yes, my glorious revenge. I'll spare you the gory details, you need only know that it was awe-inspiring for the spectators and embarrassing and painful for the victims. Not to mention, well deserved. Remus found me and stopped me before I could inflict something similar upon the Lestrange brothers.

''I presume you also heard what they did to Moony.'

'I visited him in the hospital wing,' James reminded me impatiently.

'Don't give out so, _Head Boy.'_

'You honestly think I'm going to give out to you over giving those scum what they deserved?' James asked incredulously. I looked up at him in surprise. 'That was bloody genius!'

'One of my better moments, I do have to admit,' I smirked.

'How many detentions did you get?'

'Two weeks worth,' I said with little regret.

'Worth it,' he said.

'Mm,' I nodded. It certainly was worth it.

'So listen um…I'm uh…sorry for…you know,' James said awkwardly. 'I didn't know about…'

He was apologising? Was he apologising? I think he was!

'Don't worry about it,' I said lightly.

James looked supremely relieved. 'Right so, we're you know…back mates again?'

'Yeah I think so.'

We grinned sheepishly at each other for a second before:

'Ye're fucking unbelievable!' someone screamed from the direction of the staircase.

'Remus!' someone else hissed.

'Lily, they are absolutely unreal and you know it!'

'Yeah but Moony, I think she wanted us to stay hidden from the two lads, you know?' a third, reasonable, voice said.

James and I glanced at each other before bursting into laughter. A moment later, three people emerged from shadowy alcove just inside the door.

'Moony!' I exclaimed.

'Lily!' James matched my tone.

'Wormtail!' Peter muttered in a slightly annoyed tone.

'Ye were eavesdropping on everything, yeah?'

'Of course we were,' Evans said airily, waving away that little fact.

'Much more important is the fact that ye haven't said more than three words to each other in the past two months and all it took was a fucking 'uh I'm sorry, you know?' and it's like nothing ever even happened!' Remus yelled almost hysterically.

'Ah mate, relax would you?' James said, his grin slipping a little.

'No I won't relax, thanks James!' Remus retorted. 'You're- I-…_ugh,_' he spluttered, unable to put words to his thoughts. I stared at his furious expression for a moment before crossing the few feet between us and taking his face in my hands.

'I can stop talking to him again if you like,' I offered softly, a small, teasing smile on my face.

Remus sighed and seemed to deflate. 'No…it's just…'

'I know,' I nodded. 'It's these Potters see? Can't live with 'em or without 'em…mostly the first one.'

'Hey!'

'Messing Prongs!'

Remus smiled and then leant forward to kiss me. I kissed back eagerly, firmly ignoring Peter's loud cough and Evans's dreamy sigh. Once we eventually broke away I leant against his chest and whispered into his ear,' I think you should know…I love you…'

It was the first time I'd told him that, though I'd come to the conclusion several days ago. Remus squeezed me tighter and responded with a murmured,' I love you too Pads.'

'So uh…anyone fancy heading down to the kitchens?' Peter asked loudly, prompting Remus and I to break away, albeit reluctantly.

'Sure, are the Head Boy and Girl up for it?' I asked, smirking slightly.

'Always,' James grinned, though Evans looked doubtful.

'The kitchens?' she asked, frowning a little.

'You never brought your lovely girlfriend down to the kitchens Prongs?' I demanded good-naturedly.

'It's not the most romantic place in the world Padfoot,' James replied, glancing at Evans as if expecting her to applaud him on his sensitivity. I suppressed a laugh and turned to Remus.

'Kitchens?'

'Yeah, sure,' he smiled and reached for my hand. We began to follow Peter down the steps but then James stopped us.

'Padfoot, can I talk to you for a second?'

'Um yeah, fine,' I turned back and nearly bumped into Evans who seemed to have decided to talk to Remus while she still had the chance.

'What is it Prongs?' I asked.

'Er…I'd just…I mean I honestly didn't know at the time, you know? I mean I know it's not an excuse,' James added hastily. 'But I just-…I mean I never set out to intentionally like…hurt you, you know?'

'It's fine Prongs, forget about it,' I said firmly.

'I'm serious - no, shut up,' he said as he noticed me opening my mouth. 'I'm sorry.'

I smiled slightly. 'Thanks Prongs.'

He nodded and said gruffly,' right, kitchens so?'

'Yep, come on.'

_AN: right, I hope that's ok as an ending. There's the ending of this fic, just so we're clear the order goes 'So I Ran', 'I Hate The Stars', 'In the Absence of His Dear Lilyflower' and I'm going to write a sequel which I'll probably call 'Dead Star' after the song by Muse (though it won't be a songfic or anything)._

_Anywho, please review, it's your last chance to tell me what you thought of it :) I hoped you liked it! (and if you didn't, please tell me how I can improve - but please don't be mean about it :() And thanks to everyone who's reviewed up 'til now - you really helped me!_


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